I seem to keep getting farther and farther away from perfect. My view of perfect, anyway.
God is handing me things I can’t control – both big and small – and each trial sends me back toward the mirror to analyze my reflection. My identity is wrapped up in the outward, constantly striving for perfection. It’s always out in front, but never close enough to touch. A face full of blemishes and more surgical scars are causing me to question where I am truly placing my worth, and it’s being made clear that I’m suffering from a serious case of identity theft.
My husband could say it a million times, “You’re the most beautiful woman in the room.” And he does, but it’s never enough. I’m stuck in the nasty trap of comparison and self-hate. I fool myself into thinking I have moved on from that place. That I know who I am in Christ, and that it is sufficient. And then that old self emerges and I find myself longing to be something or someone that I am not.
When I truly look all I see is the ridiculousness of my complaints, and my mind takes me to people like Dave Roever, Joni Eareckson Tada, and Nick Vujicic. If you haven’t heard their stories, I urge you to do a search. I promise, you too, will be left in tears and feeling foolish about struggling through your trials.
Farther away from perfect. That’s where God is taking me. He is causing me to pursue my true design, my real beauty, and the full value of my worth.